sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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