so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Can you bring me the toilet please
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
