i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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