im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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