Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
