Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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