then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
