You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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