Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
