I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
