Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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