either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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