I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
