I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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