Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
