bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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