My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
