dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
