Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
