sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
