I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
