i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
