Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
