I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
