He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
