i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
