i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
