I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
