Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
