Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i wish my penis had a tongue
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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