I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
