She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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