I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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