you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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