Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
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