textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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