Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
