So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
