the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
