I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
