he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
