the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
