Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
