My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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