At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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