i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
