final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
