The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
