Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
