At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
