i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
